In 2004, my husband and I had our first child. At that time, we were eighteen years old and seniors in high school. I always knew that I wanted to have children so the shock factor of having one at this young age was not shocking for me. I was not filled with fear as some would expect an eighteen year old might be, however the thought of going through the pregnancy and birth alone without support was scary, lonely, and sometimes sad. My husband and I were not comfortable talking about our experience with our parents or family members and our friends were getting ready for college, not parenthood.
My husband was great support and attended every doctor’s appointment, ultrasound, hospital childbirth education class, and even a nurturing dad’s initiative. I really could not have asked for better partner support. Even with a very supportive partner there was still something missing, I felt it in my heart. I knew in my heart that there was a person out there that was supposed to fill this very important void. I can vividly remember standing in the shower, contemplating who would be at the hospital during the birth and saying out loud that it was not going to be family or friends. Who was this missing person my heart was telling me to find? The nurses and my doctor were not the missing pieces to the puzzle. I needed emotional support, informational support, physical support, and partner support too. We needed this support during pregnancy, labor, birth, and postpartum. We didn’t know it at the time, but we needed a doula.
The doula I needed was not someone who would attempt to rescue me from my situation. I did not need a doula who would help me have a natural birth or a doula who would push a medical birth on me. I needed a doula who would stand beside me, who would teach me about the situational pros and cons for my circumstances and empower me to make decisions that were right for my family and our needs. A doula who would support us on our adventure into parenthood and walk beside us for the journey. This doula I needed would have helped us understand the different emotions that we encountered and would have been there to listen when we just needed someone to talk to nonjudgmentally. When it was time for us to make the decision on when and how we were to have our baby, our doula would have looked at our family situation and supported our decision to induce our labor at 40 weeks so that we could miss a minimal amount of school and return for final exams. This doula would appreciate that this was our baby, our birth, and our life and this doula would have supported us every step of the way.
When we went to the hospital to induce our labor, I once again had an empty feeling. My husband was with me, our bags were packed, we had a car seat, but something was missing. I needed the support of this doula, I needed to know I was safe and that what was happening with my body was normal. I needed to understand the process of the interventions I was undergoing. I needed this doula to explain the meaning of all the information that was getting thrown at me and what the outcomes of these interventions were. I needed this doula to explain to me what might come next in my labor or what interventions might be needed next and why. This doula would have never judged us for our decisions as parents and would just be there to give us information as we needed it so that we could understand the process and make informed decisions as they arose. During our labor we spent our time alone as I was induced, I had IV medication, and an epidural that I don’t even remember getting. My husband felt scared and alone as I was sleeping through most of this and not myself due to the drugs in my system. He was alone and needed this doula’s support. The hospital staff was not kind to us and although this doula may not have been able to change that, she would have been there for us, our needs, and our emotional wellbeing. If I had this doula, I may not have needed those drugs or interventions and may not have had that experience. This doula would have been able to help me physically with massage, proper positions for labor and birth, and many methods of support and if I did need the drugs and the interventions I would have had support from this doula.
As we neared the birth of our baby and our doctor was in the room. I pushed for far too long according to my doctor’s comfort or patients. I was told that if my baby wasn’t born in three more pushes that I would be given a cesarean section. For the first time in my life as a mother I said “absolutely not”. My body was made to birth this baby and that was exactly what I was going to do. This must have been the beginning of the transition into parenthood and understanding that we as mothers are stronger then we know. Unfortunately, my refusal to submit to the doctor’s orders caused that doctor to walk out on us in the middle of my birth. The doctor walked out with my legs in stirrups in the middle of pushing and once again we were alone and very scared. We needed this doula more than anything. A new midwife who was completely unknown to us came in and used vacuum extraction on our baby’s head, popping the device off my child’s head several times, never explaining what was happening or if the baby was alright. We were never informed that this device was going to be used or why it was being used, they just used it to get our baby out for their benefit. I feel like they just wanted to finish up work for the day as the time was 5:30pm or “quitting time”.
After the birth the baby was sucked, weighted, measured, gooped up with ointment, pricked, and kept so far away from his mama that he might as well have be in another state. After the birth our family came in to see the baby and I found myself missing the support of this doula again. I wanted someone with be with me, I just went through a huge transformation and although I was pleased to have family loving my baby, I needed to be mothered too. After the family left it was just my husband, myself and our Mason. No one taught me how to feed this baby. A nurse came in and told me that the lactation consultant would see me in the morning. But I needed to feed this baby that night! I needed this doula to help me and guide me in breastfeeding my new baby. The next days were very sad as my baby had jaundice that required 24/7 phototherapy. I was told I didn’t have enough milk and the hospital staff started feeding him formula and I could only have my baby when they allowed me to have him. Oh, we needed support and information during this difficult and emotional time. Four days later we were released from the hospital and we came home to live with family. An environment that was not breastfeeding friendly. We navigated this world together and I found inner strength as a mother. I sought out support and found self-determination and by three months, we were finally where we should have been months before if would have had the support of that doula I so longed for.
Many years later, I have become THAT doula!!! I never gave up looking for this missing puzzle piece and it impacted me in such a profound manner that in searching, I became what I was looking for all along. I always felt it was in my heart to find it. I searched for years, and one day it found me. I was waiting in a restaurant and the hostess asked the couple in front of us who were holding a childbirth book if she was expecting. She replied “no I am studying to be a DOULA”. My interest peeked and that day I literally ran home, googled it and there in front of me was North Carolina Doulas. Their mission statement was my missing piece of the puzzle. I called them and we talked for a long time. They led me to DONA International where I would later get my certification, but not until I was able to fill my own personal missing piece. I began looking into alternative birthing options for my future second pregnancy. I found a birth center, took a Bradley Method Childbirth class and my teacher was a DOULA who fit my doula values that I was searching for. We hired her and birthed our second baby quickly, and peacefully at home. From that experience I felt empowered and whole and my missing piece found. It was now time for me to be this doula that was living in my heart all along, and now I am that missing piece for families. I am that nonjudgmental doula. I walk beside my clients. I never push from behind, I never try to lead with my own birth philosophy. I walk beside them in their journey, I do not rescue, I educate, and I support all family members. I support these families physically, mentally, and emotionally. I set myself apart from other doulas on the fact that I am not a doula because I knew a doula or I had a doula, I am a doula because a doula was in my heart and soul before I ever knew what a doula was.